Friday, February 13, 2009
♥ love's out
i am very very very drained from the move to shanghai.
apparently, i am throwing up for no reason and stuff. i am not pregnant. i did not have SI at all. wtf mann. srsly. i really really hate it here. no matter how cute/ugly the guys are. i simply want my friends and stable life back. it's crap here. honestly speaking, i don't know why i bother studying so friggin hard and allowed myself to come here.
i'm no regretting. i'm just merely reflecting. i really hate life. it's so fkin stressful and i gain NOTHING HERE but lose practically everything. i never should've thrown away my life in singapore and come here....never. i'm such a fool. in every aspect of this pathetic life i lead. including relationships. woke up at one and started breaking down. gosh. i lost the number of times that happened at random times. yesterday was the first to be in the middle of sleep...well, i woke up from a dream...this life i lead, a nightmare so i doubt the dream could ever measure up. gosh, fkin idiot told my to cure my insecurity. fk off and outta my life. you don't know anything about me or anything. merely just a little of my past and you think you got it all. typical jerk. think it's so easy having a fked up life? think again shole. i hate shanghai and i hate my life now. i was just having a life which rocked before this. Now i have to start all over...like as if transfering last year to hcis was easy for me...it's worse now. it's another country for hell's sake. i fkin came here for the damn family but now the blame is pushed back to me? think i damn wanted to lose my friends slowly and hurt like crap even more. i'm not a sadistic or emotional person. i just wish someone would help me out of this hurting and sorrow...i miss what i used to be. someone who wouldn't date a guy at this age. someone who wouldn't kiss a guy just cos he was the boyfriend. i want to be strong..but how can i be strong when everyone around me won't let me be. i'm insecured because i don't know what's a lie or truth. i don't know how to promise someone i won't hurt them. i don't know how to live. i just want to go back home and spend time with karmello. zoey. or even just alone at somewhere familiar...away from all this hurting, i want to be free...but all that shanghai provides is a wall that reflects it all back. it's hurting more and more each day, the tears become more and more heavy each time, and the flow unstoppable. i cry at the most random times. i lost myself when i came here. please if someone could ever find my old-self, i need it back. i want to smile and mean it...and not put up a pathetic act so i can make friends.
i'm so tired of love, i want to know what it feels to be loved...cos apparently this home is a empty vessel with people who are controlled by their minds and everything is about them, and because of me. blame me for everything, i'll take it...but why must you take love away from me. i rather be a beggar on the streets with people who love me, not some middle-class kid with nothing but herself to go to.
i meant it when i said i led a sad life.
someone save me from myself,
sarah.
xoxoxxx.
be my valentine's. just give me chocolates, sweets or a note that says happy valentine's day sarah. even my bro has a date but i don't. pathetic much. i'm in a ok mood to blog so i shall blog. everybody's out..most are. people in singapore just finishing up with school. yesterday had a major breakdown. it's the eve of valentine's day and once again unsurprisingly, i'm valentine-less. last year i was too busy to blog on the 13th of feb...right. cos i was stupid enough to bake for him even though i was dead tired and my feet was aching. i thought it was real. but the jerk1 tore me into pieces and made me messed up. he gave me godiva chocs and we used to share hershey bars together when he dropped me off..and if he had nothing on. which was most of the time. i miss times like that...slacking on the playground. gosh. okok. enough.
tomorrow i shall study and just promise to try and love myself. i shall not cut myself anymore. i will not cut myself. i must not cut myself. i will love myself no matter what. this is so hard. i hate valentine's day. help someone? i wish i could go back to singapore and spend a whole week there right now. i need the beach...wanna go sentosa with karmello and belimo again...then buy loads of crap food from the 2 dollar shop place. forgot the name. well well, hope i won't post tomorrow and i'll have a valentine.
love me;
i thought you were different too,
and i just wanted to know you.
cos everytime you keep something from me,
it instantly drives me crazy.
i didn't mean to feel this way, but i do anyway.
i've heard love songs on replay, and i just keep thinking of you straightaway.
i actually broke down and cried for Mr Darcy....i don't even like him..he's not what i'm looking for. at one am in the morning. i'm officially nuts.
be my valentine?
apparently, i am throwing up for no reason and stuff. i am not pregnant. i did not have SI at all. wtf mann. srsly. i really really hate it here. no matter how cute/ugly the guys are. i simply want my friends and stable life back. it's crap here. honestly speaking, i don't know why i bother studying so friggin hard and allowed myself to come here.
i'm no regretting. i'm just merely reflecting. i really hate life. it's so fkin stressful and i gain NOTHING HERE but lose practically everything. i never should've thrown away my life in singapore and come here....never. i'm such a fool. in every aspect of this pathetic life i lead. including relationships. woke up at one and started breaking down. gosh. i lost the number of times that happened at random times. yesterday was the first to be in the middle of sleep...well, i woke up from a dream...this life i lead, a nightmare so i doubt the dream could ever measure up. gosh, fkin idiot told my to cure my insecurity. fk off and outta my life. you don't know anything about me or anything. merely just a little of my past and you think you got it all. typical jerk. think it's so easy having a fked up life? think again shole. i hate shanghai and i hate my life now. i was just having a life which rocked before this. Now i have to start all over...like as if transfering last year to hcis was easy for me...it's worse now. it's another country for hell's sake. i fkin came here for the damn family but now the blame is pushed back to me? think i damn wanted to lose my friends slowly and hurt like crap even more. i'm not a sadistic or emotional person. i just wish someone would help me out of this hurting and sorrow...i miss what i used to be. someone who wouldn't date a guy at this age. someone who wouldn't kiss a guy just cos he was the boyfriend. i want to be strong..but how can i be strong when everyone around me won't let me be. i'm insecured because i don't know what's a lie or truth. i don't know how to promise someone i won't hurt them. i don't know how to live. i just want to go back home and spend time with karmello. zoey. or even just alone at somewhere familiar...away from all this hurting, i want to be free...but all that shanghai provides is a wall that reflects it all back. it's hurting more and more each day, the tears become more and more heavy each time, and the flow unstoppable. i cry at the most random times. i lost myself when i came here. please if someone could ever find my old-self, i need it back. i want to smile and mean it...and not put up a pathetic act so i can make friends.
i'm so tired of love, i want to know what it feels to be loved...cos apparently this home is a empty vessel with people who are controlled by their minds and everything is about them, and because of me. blame me for everything, i'll take it...but why must you take love away from me. i rather be a beggar on the streets with people who love me, not some middle-class kid with nothing but herself to go to.
i meant it when i said i led a sad life.
someone save me from myself,
sarah.
xoxoxxx.
be my valentine's. just give me chocolates, sweets or a note that says happy valentine's day sarah. even my bro has a date but i don't. pathetic much. i'm in a ok mood to blog so i shall blog. everybody's out..most are. people in singapore just finishing up with school. yesterday had a major breakdown. it's the eve of valentine's day and once again unsurprisingly, i'm valentine-less. last year i was too busy to blog on the 13th of feb...right. cos i was stupid enough to bake for him even though i was dead tired and my feet was aching. i thought it was real. but the jerk1 tore me into pieces and made me messed up. he gave me godiva chocs and we used to share hershey bars together when he dropped me off..and if he had nothing on. which was most of the time. i miss times like that...slacking on the playground. gosh. okok. enough.
tomorrow i shall study and just promise to try and love myself. i shall not cut myself anymore. i will not cut myself. i must not cut myself. i will love myself no matter what. this is so hard. i hate valentine's day. help someone? i wish i could go back to singapore and spend a whole week there right now. i need the beach...wanna go sentosa with karmello and belimo again...then buy loads of crap food from the 2 dollar shop place. forgot the name. well well, hope i won't post tomorrow and i'll have a valentine.
love me;
i thought you were different too,
and i just wanted to know you.
cos everytime you keep something from me,
it instantly drives me crazy.
i didn't mean to feel this way, but i do anyway.
i've heard love songs on replay, and i just keep thinking of you straightaway.
i actually broke down and cried for Mr Darcy....i don't even like him..he's not what i'm looking for. at one am in the morning. i'm officially nuts.
be my valentine?
♥ And did I tell you that I love you tonight
1:24 PM
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1:24 PM
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